Posted by Tracie McElroy Monday, April 9, 2012
All of this crazy hoopla over the new Nike uniforms has really got me thinking. Everyone knows the smartest, most creative, as well as, budget conscious designers in the world are WOMEN! It is a No-Brainer. Take Jaclyn Smith, for instance. Does that washed up Charlie’s Angel know how to make some stylish, affordable clothes for Kmart, or what? Exactly! So, why in the world would the NFL place such an important job in the hands of uptight male executives wearing fugly suits and ties when their ultra-chic wives and girlfriends would be a MUCH better choice? You know it is true!
Let’s break this down a little bit. As I see it, there are 4 major considerations for the players in terms of their uniform: Safety, Flexibility, Speed and Comfort. And, of the course, the Designer has one very clear motive: market the hell out of their stuff in order to make a crap load of cashola!
All, and I repeat, ALL of this could be better achieved by a few ladies and a couple of pitchers of margaritas. Not to mention the obvious fact that our Eye Candy, also known as the young studs on the field, (I heart you, Todd Heap!) would look smoking hot in these designs ultimately increasing the number of chicks faithfully tuning in on Sundays (and Thursdays and Mondays).
When it comes to some serious tackling, Safety has got to be the number one concern for everyone on the field. So, yes, Nike, I agree that making the jersey stretchy and taut will help keep T Sizzle from being able to grab Big Ben’s jersey. We all know that this will clearly end up as a sack and what we can all hope for, another broken nose.
But hey, boys, it is not brain surgery to add some Velcro to the waistband of those crazy hot tight pants in order to accomplish this goal. Hello! We don’t need any scientific testing in some secret lab to figure that one out. It only took one boob mishap by Janet Jackson for us to learn the value of double sided tape. And you are getting paid the big bucks, why?
Flexibility, yeah, I get it. I am down with the notion that my boys in purple need to be super-duper flexible. What good is Joe Flacco if he can’t fully extend his arm in his jersey to throw the long ball to Torrey Smith (Go Terps!) for a touchdown? Forgive me Joe, but that is only accurate when you get the courage to actually leave the pocket. Mr. Big Shot Nike Man let this Momma tell you something. Who is the one person that is able to bundle her kid up like the Abominable freakin’ Snowman in the winter while still ensuring that she has the flexibility to kick all of the butts of the neighborhood kids in a snowball fight? That’s right, any one of us good Mommas. You got NOTHING on us.
Ok, so how do you make Ray Rice even faster so he can continue to run under every team’s defense? (Ozzie, give him a Bid Deal, and soon!) Yeah, yeah, Nike, we all know that you have been making shoes for ages. But, WE have been wearing them for ages, and quite well I might add. One only needs to look to the wisdom of one ingenious woman, Ms. Carrie Bradshaw for the answer when she said ”Men I may not know, but shoes, shoes I know.”
You are so right, Carrie!
I challenge any Nike bigwig to walk in OUR shoes for a day. That’s right. Make your kids lunch, rush out the door, run the 5 blocks to your office, miss the elevator and jog up the 3 flights of stairs just to make in in the door and at your cube by 9am on the dot, ALL IN STILETTOS! And you guys think you know shoes, Hogwash!
Oh, and don’t even get me started on the whole comfort thingy just because sometime in the 70’s (probably around the time of the whole free love thing, too) you guys decided it was too “confining” to wear briefs. It’s like a light bulb went on somewhere and shazaam! boxer shorts were invented.
When’s the last time, you spent an entire day hauling around D cups while not only attempting to be comfortable but also look cute! Uh-huh. Right! We girls wrote the book on comfort. Ok, so I can hear Mr. Bigwig’s argument a mile away. “We aren’t talking about underwear. We are talking a tight fit that is ALSO comfortable.”
Funny you should mention that dear sir. When is the last time that you lathered up in baby oil and laid on the bed only to slide on those awesome jeans you just purchased one size too small? Don’t even go there with the whole “yeah, but you couldn’t run the length of the field in those.” Oh contraire, young man, we can do better. We can dance nonstop for 4 hours at the club in those jeans while NEVER spilling a drop of our beer. Ha!
So as the men in suits count all of the money they are making off of you and I with this little NFL business venture just think about how we mommas of the world would have made better, safer, and comfier uniforms for our football crushes. And, here is the best part; we would have the extra money to throw YOU and your buddies the best freaking football tailgate parties on Sundays that you could ever dream of!
That’s right, shrimp, ribs, a big screen on the patio, a couple of kegs of beer by the new pool.
So, I ask you, Who Would You Rather Be Making the New Uniforms?
That’s exactly what I thought!