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As promised, I have taken a short respite from my crazy life to rant a little more about the top 5 reasons why I stink at mommyhood. Just a reminder: #5 is my shopaholic-ism leading to a house that is perpetually cluttered and totally unmanageable, #4 is my inability to choose healthy food options for my daughter instead of chocolate in all forms for breakfast, lunch and dinner. (Link to Part I)

So here goes….   

#3: Using Cartoons as a Babysitter

My munchkin’s love for cartoons started when she was an itty, bitty baby. As you may recall, I mentioned that my child didn’t do much for 6 months but cry, cry a little more and then turn into a blood-curdling demon child who cried till I cried. I had to get creative to calm her down. She was about 2 months of age when I noticed that Charlie Brown’s Christmas was on at 8pm. Why not try it? So, I got out her state-of-the-art swing, lounger, rocker machine and buckled her in it. I pulled that sucker right up to the television and held my breath.

Suddenly, as if Snoopy had been sent from God just for me, Momma Mac… she stopped. The heavens opened and I grabbed a glass of wine while sitting on the couch enjoying the silence. From that moment on, her and I had a mutual respect (yes, RESPECT) for animated shows, any and ALL of them.

I am totally ok with turning on Nick Jr. for her viewing pleasure. (And for the record, I am NOT playing a game or two of Words with Friends while she is occupied. NEVER) You’ve got the Wonder Pets who are down with all things teamwork. Yo Gabba Gabba’s teaching her not to bite her friends. She’s learning a little Spanish with Dora as she deciphers the map to candy land mountain. Dora’s cousin Diego reminds her to be good to animals as they have feelings too!

Long gone are the days of a really weird guy in a sweater teaching us about “his neighborhood”. Think about it, something just was not right about that show on so many levels. And good old Popeye smoked a pipe and got beat up A LOT.  But the best example of really shitty cartoons in our day has to be Scooby Doo. I mean the show had a guy named Shaggy who said “like” too much and drove a beat up van. I will take “Swiper, No swiping” any day over that I-am-definitely-not a reference-to-a-pothead character.

God Bless Nick Jr. It has truly created a win-win situation for Momma and child. See, it isn’t really babysitting, it is a learning tool. That’s my story and I am sticking with it.

#2: The NON-Administration of Medication

I would like to lock all of the children in our households today in one room and force feed all of them the crap they called flavored medicine when we were kids. They don’t know “Taste’s Bad”. We had no Wild Berry Tylenol or melt in your mouth grape thin strips for our cold. Oh No. We had to survive the nastiness that our mothers force fed us and LIKE IT! I get it, but for some reason my child is the A Number 1 “I hate the taste so I am not taking it” type. What do you do with that?

It has been a struggle, and I have tried everything. When she was really little, I would do my best to disguise it in her chocolate milk. It never worked. She could sniff it out a mile away. On occasion, I have gone the hold-her-down and shoot it in there approach. Nope, I was always wearing it. Oh and I can’t forget the bribery method. Sweetie, if you will just take this one teaspoon, I will give you a candy. Damn, that girl is stubborn. The candy would have melted into nothing in my hand and she still wouldn’t give in.

I remember when munchkin was about 2, and I was so frustrated that I called the doctor. Yes, I know you said it was just a virus and I need to keep her fever down, but I can’t. His response…. Wait for it…. Suppositories. WTH? You want me to do what???? Her fever was over 102. I had to do something. So, I dragged my butt to CVS and bought them. I waited until she was sound asleep, and I did it. All of this because the taste of the 3 different flavors I had purchased, cherry, grape and orange just weren’t to her liking. Insanity.

I do take solace in the fact that even though I totally suck at giving her medication, I am not the only one. Our most recent adventure to the emergency room began one morning at 3am when her fever spiked again over 102. The nursing staff was so awesome. They talked sweetly to my angel, rubbed her head with a cold towel, and got her comfortable with a blanket. Just as they were telling me how adorable and well behaved she is they rolled in the medicine cart.

Right before their eyes, this innocent angel became Linda Blair from the Exorcist. I kid you NOT! They had to call for back up. Two nurses held her down while a third one attempted pouring the BRIGHT RED MOTRIN in her mouth. It was not a pretty scene at all with all 3 needing a shower at the end and this Momma sliding into the corner to hide my smirk and chuckle.

I know it is bad, but I secretly loved it!

Finally, there were some other women in the world who could share my pain.

And the #1 Reason Why I Stink at Mommyhood is that the apple never falls far from the tree.

I have absolutely no idea how my child got so quick-witted and stubborn. (None whatsoever) Oh, who am I fooling? When I attempt to discipline her for not listening, she crosses her arms and shoots me a comedic retort. I think to myself, this is what my mom warned me about. She used to curse at me at that age ranting “I hope you get a daughter just like you.”

Well shucks mom, I did.

Instead of accepting her punishment, munchkin has learned how to pull out all of the jokes, be charming and talk her way right out of the situation. (Completely the opposite of me because I am the shy, keep my words to myself type, right?)

How do I punish her when in my mind I am silently cracking up because she is so smart and funny that it makes me proud instead of angry?  Don’t get me wrong everything in me wants to pull over that time out chair, sit her in it, and have a smoke break. But most of the time, I give her kudos for the outstanding creativity she has just expressed.

And therein lies the epitome of stinking at Mommyhood.

But it is perfectly okay with me because with any luck she will have a daughter who she will screw up too!  

I send a Thank You to my mom for putting up with my shit all of these years and yet still loving me. I know that you, too, are secretly laughing at me when you see my munchkin pulling a serious Momma Mac ‘tude and me trying not to laugh at her.

Let’s face it; this goes back another generation to your mom who at 91 still has a kick ass sense of humor and just enough stubbornness for all of us.

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