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It’s All My Mom’s Fault!

Posted by Saturday, May 12, 2012

But Happy Mom’s Day Anyway

Over the past year, I have called upon myself to take an in-depth look at all of my life’s little failures, and trust me; there have been more than I can count.

Let’s see, failed relationship #1: the video game connoisseur, failed relationship #2: the bar hopping expert. Wait one sec! I am totally getting ahead of myself here. I’ve been doing some serious soul searching, self cleansing, if you will. After the LONG and terrifying journey into my heart, mind and soul’s abyss, I have found that there is only one logical conclusion: My abundance of personality flaws and all of the shortcomings in my life…..ARE ALL MY MOM’S FAULT.
Let me just begin with the little affinity I have for cold beer and Marlboro lights. I think most of you reading this would agree that these could possibly be very serious flaws. If so, it is totally ok to give my mom a call because I am blaming them on her! See, back in the day (during my very impressionable teenager years, to be exact), my mom would tell me to stay away from the kids that do drugs.

“Daughter, there will be kids who will ask you to smoke something illegal, and you must be the smarter one by standing up to them and saying, NO THANK YOU. Illegal drugs will ruin your life.”

Great advice mom, because I did just that… No drugs for me, but the cool girls drank from the Boone’s Farm bottle and smoked something legal. Surely, you would have mentioned to stay away from them too if it was THAT super important.  

Moving on...There are quite a few women in this world who enjoy a good sports game, and can hang with the boys and talk athletics. But, that is not me. Oh no, my mother created a monster, an over-the-top Sports FANATIC.

It is not in my genes to just look cute with my jersey and matching earrings at the sports bar. I cannot sit quietly next to a really cute guy, and randomly cheer at the home run or scored touchdown. Nope. I don't even notice the guy because I am too busy yelling at the refs, criticizing the play calling and sending out loud woot-woots after each good play.

This little flaw started when I was an infant. Mom was a PE teacher, coach, umpire, and player. Taking me bundled up at 6 months old to Memorial Stadium in 15 degrees to see the Colts was her idea of teaching me the finer things in life at a young age.  
Also because of you, dear mother, I have a plethora of strange quirks that have come dangerously close to ruining perfectly good dates.  Last summer, I actually had a nice guy ask me what my idea of a perfect date was because he was willing and able to accommodate. First of all, are you kidding me? These men do not exist!  Oh, yes, he most certainly did exist. But there was one problem, thanks to my mom. After much thought, I decided on this:  What could be better than combining a day of all you can eat steamed crabs (my absolute fave) on the waterfront (who wouldn’t love that kind of view) with an evening at the O’s game? (Again, feeding the sports fanaticism invoked by my female parent) It will be so awesome! Several hours - ALL ABOUT ME! Hello, Mr. Wonderful.

But then, the dread started.

It was all the result of this trick my mom had taught me called “Must Have Considerable Amount of Chocolate After Chowing on Crabs”. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, I know. But, don’t knock it till you try it. After a dozen crabs with a ton of old bay seasoning, some rich chocolate is the perfect ending.  

OH NO! It was 80 degrees that day. Certainly, a bag of peanut butter cups would end up melted all over the inside of my purse. What if the crab house doesn’t serve chocolate cake?  All day I suffered through a large knot in my stomach as I cursed my mother for this insane craving she had fostered in me.

Thank goodness Mr. Wonderful also fed my personality flaw that involved drinking ice cold beer. By the end of the marathon crabs and beer adventure, I had totally forgotten about the Hershey bar (no thanks to my mom!).

And finally, the Dom Perignon of all failures: RELATIONSHIPS.

Of course my mother is to blame. Haven’t I proven thus far that everything in my life has been her fault? She was unluckily born the eldest daughter in a family of 7 kids. Mom had no choice but to serve as the caretaker/ mother figure to all of them while my nanny worked her butt off to feed this small army.

You’re thinking, so what?

Just listen for one minute.

Mom was taught to be the nurturer, to apply the band-aid and kiss the booboo’s. She was encouraged to see the good in everyone, even all of the little monster siblings that she had to wash, feed and help with homework. It was inevitable that she would pass these qualities on to me; ergo, why I have been a complete failure with men so far in my 40something years. 

My therapist once explained it to me this way. (Hush, it is totally chic in this day and age to seek unbiased, female, feminist opinions) Instead of seeing these guys for what they really are (creeps), I would take the glass half full approach. Of course I could nurture them and bring out the inner good that I just knew was in there.  Didn’t mom teach me to see the good in even the evilest?

#1 Video Game Addict: no problem, just give me a year and he will throw the computer out the window. It's definitely only a matter of time before the living, breathing cuddle bug called me is seen as way more important. 


#2 Bar Hopping Extraordinaire:  Once we are married, he will see that he doesn’t need to run the streets. I will be quite enough; cooking, cleaning, and ironing for him. I will be his “personal cheerleader”. What man wouldn’t choose to grow up just a little when he had that waiting at home?


Mom, I am forever cursed with your nurturing, caring, all-people-are-inherently-good qualities. I will be single for freaking ever. Thanks bunches!

I will apologize ahead of time to my smart, beautiful, funny and just downright brilliant daughter who will no doubt see that I am the cause of all of her life’s future failures when she is about 40. With any luck, I will be around to tell her that she is completely WRONG!

Shout Out to my Mom: I love you very much. Thanks for being such a good sport and letting yourself be the butt of today’s jokes. Above all else, I thank you for passing down your great sense of humor to me because that is what truly gets me through all of my life’s little failures.

Why didn't I think of these? Pure genius…


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